My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
mom gave me mine for free
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
twitter is a journey
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.