My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
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When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..