Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

crochet youtube is brutal

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.