Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”