My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
cause of death:
autopsy.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant