Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
You Might Also Like
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.