Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

*seductively corrects your posture*

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Its true…

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

that lip filler tho

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

This hospital has everything

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”