My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets