My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
23. the denim jacket
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My plans: 2020:
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.