Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

motivation

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.