Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

We will use anything but the metric system

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors