My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
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i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor