My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
what is cheese if not milk persevering
