My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Perfection.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne