My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
You Might Also Like
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
When he asks for feet pics
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.