My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
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Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”