My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I want this so bad
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me after 1 airport cocktail: