My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.