My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Good advice.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Just as the prophecy foretold
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’m not average. I’m mean.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”