My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.