My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
bought wrong eggs
why am I working on Labor Day
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.