My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Happy Star Wars day!
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back