My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
You Might Also Like
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.