Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards