Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.