My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*