My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You Might Also Like
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.