My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
How dramatic are you?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.