My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Hmmmmmmm….
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.