My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
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I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Life is a suicide mission.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.