Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

How does one answer this?

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

*gets down on one knee*

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”