My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story