Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

I hope this email punches you square in the face

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??