My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short