Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

We all have our pet causes.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

bugs when you lift up a rock

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car