Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

*3.5 thank you very much.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

I support this random dude and all his protests

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years