Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

my mind

You just read my mind

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

My safe word is Worcestershire