Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.