My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.