My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
turning my gender off to conserve energy