Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

This is I, Robot all over again

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

ㅤ

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

Love is in the air fryer.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.