Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread