My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
So Hamburger help me, God
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
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Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣