My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
You Might Also Like
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes