Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

When the stylist spins you back around

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

guys I’m going home

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.