My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down