My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.