My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you