Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.