Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

This kid is going places

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma