My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.