Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

throat sock season is upon us.

Not all heroes wear capes…

Boom, boom, ching!

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

A customer told me they were never coming back….

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it