Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Bros before Ohioes

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi