My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread