My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
You Might Also Like
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My nickname in high school was “who?”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!