My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”