My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Love it! 👍😂
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions