My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
