My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
