My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
