My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
twitter users today:
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO