Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.