Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

I WON A HAM TODAY

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

*lint rolls you awake*

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.