My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
All generalizations are stupid.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
He is just living hist best little life 😊
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?