Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Please vote for people who are attractive

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk