My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.