My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
