My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*