My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.