My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
monday
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
#dalle2
And then there were 4
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Never deleting this app.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
