My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
