My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.