My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
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At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
🏙👨🏼
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!