Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Google it does not

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

“I wouldn’t.”

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT