Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

We found love in a hopeless place.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food