Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

🤣🤣

That’s easy for you to say

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this