My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
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why isn’t he texting back
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.