My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do