Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

pictures of spider-man

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

this article brought to you by lions

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do