Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

#catsoftwitter

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

🥴

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate