Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Knock Knock

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.