Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?